If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going!

In my "searching the internet" boredom, I ran across the above quote by Winston Churchill. I got it immediately!  It was like the words on the screen just yelled at me! However, for further clarification, (and to make sure I wasn’t posting something that had an alternative meaning), I looked up what the “Literary Geniuses” have interpreted it to mean AND if it matched what I concluded. In my search I ran across another blogger of a totally different topic and this is what she had to say about Mr. Churchill’s quote:

“If life is a journey, then any short-cut is a death-trap. It might be
literal death, or it might be that drawn-out metaphorical death of
the spirit I have spoken of before, but bypassing and cheating your
own journey will only ever ensure you spend far longer in the dark
places than you might otherwise have done. If you’re going through
hell, you might wish to go back, to a better time or place, but this
will ultimately just take you deeper into that hell”. –Vivianne Tuffnell

I would love to say that I took the meaning that deeply, but no, I’m much simpler! I looked at it as an inspiration to keep running! AND I HATE RUNNING! Yesterday, we decided to try a new place to run to make the terrain more realistic to that of a real 5K. My neighborhood is mostly flat with little to no challenge so this park with its horrid hills was perfect. Like I mentioned before we have been using the Couch Potato to 5K program. It slowly progresses you to running 3.2 miles nonstop in 9 weeks. For the first couple of weeks you run one minute, walk a minute and half, then run a minute and half, and walk two minutes and so on. Well, yesterday was the first day of the minute and half running and BOY DID I FEEL IT! I felt so defeated, considering I was killing the minute run, I thought that this would be a breeze! It was HELL, PURE HELL!  My chest was hurting, my feet…my knees… HELL! And it was only 30 seconds more! If it wasn’t for my motivation workout playlist and watching hubby ahead of me, I would have quit! But, I kept shuffling along, shuffling through my hell. So you can imagine the light bulb that went off when I read the quote. I had to laugh to myself. It’s kinda like God put that there to help me understand why I am going through this journey- through being the operative word-.

So to me, I think Mr. Churchill was trying to say, don’t stay in your hell, keep going, and get through it! Because stopping would be more painful than going through! I have heard many people say “I’m just going through” and I have heard many pastors say “ Thank God that you’re going through and not stuck”! I guess they all have the same meaning, keep going no matter how hard, no matter what has been placed in your way. For me it’s running and resisting the urge to eat cupcakes! But, I know that just going through a little hell or an uncomfortable place is just temporary and the true hell is in living life overweight and unhappy. So Mr. Churchill, I’m going to keep running through this hell… because I know there is a brighter more fulfilling place on the other side!  

Motivation Music Monday

I've decided that I should start the week with a song that will motivate me throughout the week.. This one jumped in my head this morning. And hubby said, " Court, just live your life" maybe 20 times this weekend..

The song, well the chorus, also pretty much sums up the last couple of days. I have been so stressed about making good choices; both weight and life related that I often have the instant urge to scream! I mean the bloodcurdling scary movie; make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck type screams! I never do it though, I’m sure it would give my husband a heart attack! He isn’t fond of sudden moves or noises. I can imagine the look of horror on his face, if I screamed every time I felt the need to!   

****Pausing for a moment of laughter****

I have the tendency to get completely overwhelmed obsessed with making good decisions. I have this fear that every decision I make will have an avalanche effect that I won’t be able to dig myself out of.   If there is a big decision or hell even a small one, you will find me obsessing over the pros and cons, weighing all the options and possible outcomes.  I worry mostly about money and career decisions and more recently weight loss! I now have added to my list of worry,  good food choices,  what the scale is going to say, what the counselors at the weight loss center will say, how much it costs to buy healthier foods, going out to a party that has food, the list could go on and on…

I hate this! I so wish I wasn’t like this!

Honestly, it shouldn’t be this hard. After a MAJOR fit on Saturday night, a couple of conversations with my mom, cousin, and hubby, I’ve decided that I just have to live my life. I know that nothing is ever perfect or “just so”, even though I secretly wish it was.  I have this internal burning desire to have a perfect little life, like people on TV or in the movies! But life isn’t a TV show! There aren’t any edit or rewind buttons.  I can’t go back and change that I got lazy and gained weight.  I can’t change the bad decisions I make or I should say the decisions that don’t have my expected outcome. All I can do is try to do better the next time, and not to make the same mistake twice. 

My mom told me that I needed to let myself off the hook. I am a beautiful, healthy, and blessed girl and that I can and will lose weight and to pray for patience and determination. I guess she’s right.  I know things could always be worse! I know I made a good decision, finally deciding to lose weight. I’m not sure if I decided the best method, but I have to live with it, make the best of it.  I guess, I just need to let go... well maybe just a little! 

Weight/ Goal Updates:

As of my last weigh in, I am 6.5lbs down.  I hope to have lost 12 by the time we leave for Cancun!

     GOAL 1: Workout 3 times a week. 

            - I worked out 4 times last week and 3 the week before!

     GOAL 2: Stay on plan EVERYDAY! Keep up with my food journal. Lose 8 pounds by May 19^th. 

     - Well this past weekend threw me off. I attended a cook-out and a bridal shower and ate off plan,  therefore making me ashamed to keep up with my journal. HOWEVER, I look on target for the weight loss goal.

GOAL  3: This is probably the hardest one:  Stay Positive! Remove negative comments and thoughts.

            -  Umm yeah.. Not so much.. Still working very hard on this one!

Part Two: Finding The Good...

Friday was like an excerpt of the children’s book:  Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day! Poor kid, he knew it was going to be a bad day when he woke up! If you have never read the book, it’s about a kid who woke up with gum in his hair and by this, predicted that he was going to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! As the story continues, his best friend demotes him to his “third best friend”; there was NO DESSERT in his lunch box, lima beans for dinner, and kissing on TV!  I can relate to poor Alex with the no dessert in his lunch box! =) However, at the end of the story his mom reassures him that everyone has a bad day, even people who live in Australia (he wanted to move there to get way from all the horrible things). 

The moral of the story: Alex had a bad day. I had a bad day. Everyone has bad days. And I’m sure throughout this journey there will be more bad days! It’s just how you react to those bad days! How you recover!

Well… I recovered from my bad day, jumping back on the horse, once again! I woke up early Saturday morning, put on my walking shoes and walked to the weight loss center to weigh in. Of course, hubby came along for the journey! LOVE HIM!  I lost 1 lb since Thursday. Initially I was discouraged and annoyed, but after I thought about it, that was a 1lb loss in 2 days! So in total I have lost 5lbs in two weeks. The counselor thought that it was remarkable… But I think she has to say things like that, so I will keep coming back! =P I can’t seem to make my mind understand that this isn’t going to happen overnight! I didn’t gain it overnight and I’m not going to lose it overnight. I however was rejuvenated and was determined to stay on plan, despite it being CINCO DE MAYO! I even had a successful trip to a restaurant. And to fix the bland boring food, hubby and I looked through the Quick Weight Loss cookbook and picked out some interesting meals to try. I’ll be sure to post on how they turn out!

On Sunday, I made good decision! I am a big TV person and love curling up on my couch to watch “my shows”. I was all curled up with my favorite blanket, all nice and comfy, only to jump up and say “I need to get my fat butt up”! I decided to put on my tennis shoes and get on my elliptical that was collecting dust to watch.

I PROMISE TO USE HER MORE.. BUT WATCH THAT "B" WORD HUNEY! LOL 

The goal: workout throughout the show and rest on the commercials.

I think 20 minutes in I was regretting I made this revelation, but I kept going! After a while, I was so into the show that it didn’t seem so much like work! I think this will be a permanent fix for when we don’t get to run. My next goal is to not have to take so many breaks in between. I hope to find a more entertaining form of exercise once school is out. I’m really interested in boxing, but hubby gets all moody when I talk to him about it. He’s so overprotective! It’s not like I’m going out there to fight Laila or Floyd, geez, CHILL! I think I can wear him down though! Stay tuned!

All in all I’m learning that this is a process. I have to take it day by day. I’m just waiting for the day I get on the scale and it says, 199! This will be the first time in maybe a year or two, I’ve been under 200. I can’t wait!

In the last couple of days, I have been reading several blogs and it appears to be a current trend to make a page for your goals and progress photos. I think this is wonderful idea and will be soon adding my own!

Chicken and Fish and Veggies... Oh My!

I orginally wrote this post on Friday ( May 4th). I was in such "a mood"  as I like to say when I feel crappy. I have since picked up a more positive attitude... I will post how I'm feeling today in PART TWO!

So..here's to how I felt Friday:

I think I have made a mistake! A big, big MISTAKE!  I am growing weary!  I mentioned before that I have tried every type of weight loss program only to give up before I can reach my goal. I decided this time to try something new.  Quick Weight Loss is a great program HOWEVER, it’s SO RESTRICTIVE! I am limited to protein, protein bars, veggies, fruit, LIMITED starches, water, and sprite zero. I can’t have any seasonings that contain salt or sugar, making for bland boring food!  I can’t have any sweets or alcohol! Not that I’m a drunk or alcoholic, but I work in a school system with special needs children and special education teachers, and sometimes DANGIT you need a drink to chill out at the end of the day!

It’s almost impossible to eat out! I become one of those customers that make the waiter walk away and roll their eyes, because I had so many special requests!  I think I should’ve stuck with Weight Watchers, I shouldn’t have given up! I have started reading several blogs on people’s weight loss journeys and 9 out of 10 list weight watchers as their program of choice. These are women who have lost 100+ pounds! I just want to lose 40-45! I am really kicking myself right now! But I have paid my money and invested almost 2 weeks! So, I can’t quit! My mama help pay for it too, and I don’t want to waste her money! But I would give anything for a glass of wine or a bowl of spaghetti (with whole wheat pasta of course!) =)

I also just want to see my face NOT SO FAT, I want to wear clothes that my other 20 something friends wear, I want to feel sexy again, I want to wake up without pain in my shoulders, knees, and ankles! I want to someday have a baby (I refuse at this weight), I want a 1 in front of my weight.

I WANT, I WANT, I WANT; I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT AND LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!

I just don’t know how much more I can take of having to live my life so carefully and feeling overwhelmed when it’s time to eat, and deciding what to eat!  

I’m starting to feel like I’m a quitter! I can’t stick to anything. But, this is hard, with my lifestyle! I work late sometimes; I go out with my family and friends to restaurants! I want to celebrate holidays!

GOD, I MESSED UP! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!

And to top things off, we are going to Cancun in less than a month and again, I will be the BEACH WHALE! I wanted to look good at my friend’s wedding, I wanted to wear a cute bathing suit, feel confident jumping into the pool, and taking pictures at the beach! I can’t believe I let myself go. I can’t believe I let my weight jump up to OVER 200 pounds! I am so angry with myself right now! I’m also tired of people saying “you have such a pretty face”, “you have such a pretty smile”… blah blah.. I know that’s what they tell fat girls!

Today isn’t a good day. But I guess I need to find some happiness and strength from somewhere!

Wish I had a yellow brick road, ruby slippers, and a Wizard of Oz. I definitely wish to lose 45lbs by tomorrow!

SIX STEPS FORWARD....ONE AND A HALF BACK

I have not been able to get Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract” song out of my head! You know, “I take two step forward, I take two steps back, we come together cause opposites attract”.  It truly sums up how I felt yesterday. My weigh-in did NOT go well! I gained 1.5 lbs BACK! I know that I slipped up on Saturday, but I recovered well Sunday and Monday. I thought if anything I would stay the same, not gain! It took all I had to not cry in front of the counselor! She however was so patient and sweet. She took time and went over how important it is to keep my engine running (metabolism) throughout the day by not spacing my meals too far apart. I managed to hold myself together, but deep down inside I wanted to flip over the little desk, kick, scream, and cry right there! Instead, I listened and asked as many questions that I could think of. On a positive note, she took my measurements and I lost 2 inches in all areas resulting in 6.25 inches lost. However, the “Negative Nancy” in me thinks she did them different from the first lady who measured. UGGHH!!! Why isn’t this easier?!! 

Another positive note was my HUBBY! Boy, I tell ya he was “Johnny on the spot”! He went into his “Court, its ok you STILL have a loss,” … “You aren’t the same when you first went in,”… “Court, you can’t beat yourself up,”… “It’s a minor setback,”… “Don’t look at the bigger picture, and make smaller goals.”

That last one gave me an idea! I should set small personal goals and rewards for myself! The counselor thought that by May 19^th, I should have lost 12lbs, if I follow the plan correctly. So, with that, I have come up with a list of goals for myself. Here are my first 3 week-goals:

GOAL 1: Workout 3 times a week.  We have been doing the “Couch Potato to 5K program”. I love it!

REWARD: New workout gear. – The old Dunwoody High t-shirts aren’t cutting it!

GOAL 2: Stay on plan EVERYDAY! Keep up with my food journal. Lose 8 pounds by May 19th. 

Total Weight Loss: 11.5

REWARD: SHOES!!! YAY!! I LOVE SHOES!!!                                       

GOAL 3: This is probably the hardest one:  Stay Positive! Remove negative comments and thoughts.

REWARD: A BETTER SELF-ESTEEM! Yep, that one’s priceless! And probably the only reward I need!

I guess the “teachable moment” of the day was: stay focused, stay positive, and get right back up on the horse! As my “cuz/bestie/sister” put it, “You aren’t even in beast mode yet, TIGHTEN UP!” LOL! I LOVE IT!

Cue: Lil Yola’s “ Ain’t Gon Let Up”!

A random thought, I L-O-V-E, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOOOVVVVEEEE MUSIC!!!! And my new best friend is Spotify! It has mostly all the albums for any artist you can think of. Last night I was in a Stevie Wonder kinda mood and found a song I had never heard before! I couldn’t believe it! Stevie is a genius! PURE GENIUS! The song was Please Don’t Go from his Fulfillingness Final Finale album!  I listened to it I know 10 times before I went to sleep!  That put me in such a better mood!!! I’ll leave you with it.... 

CUPCAKE CONFESSIONS

Confession: I ATE NOT ONE...BUT TWO CUPCAKES!!

I took the day off Friday for a mental health holiday. I stayed on plan the whole day! I even ate out with mom for lunch at Longhorn and did NOT ask for the bread! So far, so good, right?? I later took my nephews to the mall, yet I still stayed on plan. Wellll, I snuck a French fry or two, but ate my protein and veggies as I was supposed to.

Maybe sneaking the French fry should have been a sign that the worst was yet to come!

Saturday morning I got up a little late and had a full day. I did not have time to plan my meal “game plan” for the day. Didn’t having my usual egg, cereal, and fruit breakfast…only managed to get my fruit and supplement in. I spent most of the day with my mom at a volunteer music festival event. Still I managed to stay away from the funnel cakes, hotdogs, frozen lemonade and fried fish...... oh funnel cakes..yummm! It wasn’t until I got to a good friend’s house for her daughter’s birthday party that my knees buckled…CUPCAKES!!!  Chocolate Mickey Mouse CUPCAKES with Oreo cookie (my fav) ears!

THE CULPRIT!

Not to mention the hotdogs and pasta salad! I was starving and I thought I could just have a spoon full of the pasta salad, the hot dog without the bun, and the fruit. I thought I could handle this, I would not want the cupcakes, I could say no. HA! YEAH RIGHT!  I decided, hey I can have one! And it was soooooo goood.. That cream filling! I immediately felt guilty and thought maybe I should run around with the kiddos to counteract the sugar and fat! As the night wound down there it was again: ANOTHER CUPCAKE... it was like it was screaming my name, COOOOOUURRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT! And my inner fat girl showed up and ate that cupcake...Yep, CUPCAKE #2!

At this point, I knew I had blown it! I had totally given in! I’d lost my will power! I’m for sure going to re-gain

all the weight I lost! Now, the old Courtney would’ve gone home and beat herself up and thrown in the towel. BUT NO! I decided that this is a process! I will have minor set backs or, as I would like to call them, “teachable moments.” I know now that I need to plan ahead for days when I’m going to be out all day. Maybe bring a healthy alternative to the cupcakes (though nothing can compare!) It’s truly “mind over matter”!  And, well, hell, the matter won Saturday!

I made sure I got right back on the horse Sunday and even got my exercise in! I must say I’m proud of myself. NO, not that I ate the cupcake, but that I acknowledged a weakness and found an instant solution! I’m not going to let temporary weakness...insanity... stop me!

On a better note, as of my Saturday weigh-in, I have lost a total of 6 pounds since Sunday April 22^nd! I just can’t wait until my clothes start to fit better or looser! I promised myself at the 10 pound mark, I would treat myself to a pair of shoes!!!

Choosing My Battles

Adidas had an amazing ad campaign a couple of years ago with the slogan “Impossible is Nothing”. One ad featured two of my favorite athletes and people:  Muhammad and Laila Ali.  They used a quote by Muhammad that has stuck with me for a while:

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”- Muhammad Ali

I have always considered myself a “go getter”, “envelope pusher”,  “never accept NO for an answer”, “push the elevator button ‘til it comes”, “fighter” type person.  I have always fought and worked hard for something I wanted and, consequently, always got it.

For example, in high school I was in the JROTC program, a program mostly comprised of boys. We were required to take a physical fitness test to move up the ranks. The test had timed push-ups, sit-ups, and a mile run. The requirement for the mile run for females was 8 minutes and for males 6 minutes. Well of course I wanted to beat the boys! So, I sought out one of the guys in the program to run with for practice and I ran and ran and ran… The day of the test, my mom was there along with the unit commander. I don’t think she or anybody else thought that I could run it in the boys’ time, let alone beat some of the boys. So I guess she wanted to be there to witness! I think I remember one of the guys saying it was “impossible”. Well, I did just that! I ran the mile in 5:57 and beat 3 boys, shocking my mom, my commander, and everyone else out there! There’s also the time I put my life on hold to study for my national board exam, and blew it out of the water getting the highest score in my graduating class, proving my professors wrong!

For me it seems like when someone says something “can’t be done” or gives me a statistic on what’s possible, it fuels me to no end! It’s like the inner Laila comes out of me.  I’ll show you!

But what happens when YOU are the person telling YOURSELF that it’s impossible? How do you fight yourself?  How do you prove yourself wrong?

I have found that I am my Achilles’ heal with weight loss! I have told myself repeatedly that it was too hard, and that I can’t do it. Giving up…. Quitting…  I have gotten in my own way of what I want! It wasn’t until a couple of days ago when I was surfing YouTube that I ran across the Adidas commercial with Laila and her dad that I found my inspiration.

I, of course, changed the message to fit me and my personal battle. “If a young child can fight cancer…If a paraplegic can win an Olympic medal… I, for sure, can lose a little weight!  I decided then to stop choosing the battles I fight hard and to fight them ALL hard, including losing weight!

I CAN and WILL do this!

Don’t let anyone stop you… including YOU!

Impossible is Nothing…  Rumble Young Girl… Rumble!

Weigh- In #1 4/24/12

3.5 LBS!!! Yep! You read it right! I lost 3.5 in a little less than a week. Went in thinking I would have one of these moments------>

But, nope! I was SHOCKED! I'm sure it's water weight, but it's weight and I want it GONE!   

But..wait...the best part is, I don't have to eat RAW (yuck) veggies anymore and I can have some CARBS or as they say STARCHES! Carbs, starches, I don't care what you call 'em just let me eat 'em! LOL! I have to be honest, that I feel a little better nowadays. I still find it hard to go to sleep at night, but I think that will change when I start incorporating more exercise.. And it's also hard to get up in morning, but I'll attribute that to LAZINESS, SPRING FEVER, oh and NEVER being a morning person...

Nonetheless, I'm encouraged! I've seen results and I know I can do another day! My mantra has been " one day at a time", hopefully that doesn't turn into one hour or minute at a time! LOL!!

Yesterday, I also started looking for bathing suits for my trip to Cancun in June. I won't be my desired weight by then, but hopefully 15 lbs lighter! I want a retro suit.

What you think? It will be one of many! I want to by it a size smaller than I am now, but, I'm not sure... I better get to running, dancing or sumin' to get these thighs under control!

Well... So far so good! Hubby's been the best cheerleader! Po' thang might lose weight too in the process, I haven't cooked him a thing this past week! But once I get the hang of what's ok and what's not, I'll take care of him! Good thing about him, he never complains! Lucky me!

I THINK I CAN... I THINK I CAN...

On Sunday, I started the first phase of my weight loss journey. A phase that consist of eating ONLY: eggs, unlimited protein and raw green veggies, oranges, several supplements, and water...LOTS and LOTS of water! So far, I think I've done pretty well! I haven't cheated or eaten my hubby yet! However, Sunday night dreamed that I ate a soft batch chocolate chip cookie, only to spit it out because I knew I couldn't have it! Looks like my self conscious is even in on the deal!

Weight loss has been a goal of mine pretty much my entire adult life. I think it all started in college. I was very active in high school, you name it, I did it! I ate whatever I wanted and never really gained much weight. After attending college with early dinners, in a town that only McDonalds, KFC, and Burger King were open after hours, quite naturally I picked up a couple of LBs.. However, it wasn't until I decided not to cheer anymore and to discontinue my ROTC scholarship, did the pounds start to pile on. I've done everything under the sun to lose weight: Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, Personal Trainers, etc.... But nothing ever really worked, or maybe it was me be impatient and giving up! It was recent pictures of me at my husband's cousin's wedding that forced me to hit rock bottom! I couldn't believe that was me! And you couldn't tell me that day, that I wasn't cute! I was mistaken...sadly mistaken! Even with my spanx on, my stomach stuck out! Not to mention the size of my arms.. we won't go there! So, after crying and yelling at my hubby and mom  for not telling me how fat I was, I took action! I spoke to co-workers who had recently lost weight and looked fabulous to find out how they did it: QUICK WEIGHT LOSS CENTER! After much deliberation about if I could do it, the money, and THE MONEY. I signed up! I hope that this is the last time, FOR REAL this time! I am committed to lose this weight. I have to! In recent years, I have had problems with my blood pressure, heart palpitations, sore knees, headaches, and I could go on and on.. Did I mention, I'm just 28!

I am taking my life back.. I want to be in control of me! I want to go to the store and up pick my size right away! I want to kiss the 200s goodbye FOR GOOD! .............. I want to LOVE ME and most importantly I WANT TO BE HEALTHY!

So, here's to NO EXCUSES, NOT QUITING, GETTING HEALTHY, AND GETTING MY SEXY BACK!

I think I can...  I think I can.... I KNOW I can!